This is a piece about depression.
It was written a few months ago, but I didn’t share it then, perhaps because it was too close, too personal, too dangerous, too loaded with risk, I barely deigned to whisper of it lest I then fall into its yawning jaws.
Because when things are good and things are great, it seems all is well but always, there is a lurking question of what hour the other shoe will drop.
When will the switch flick to shift the atmosphere.
When will the shit, the darkness, the turmoil return…
And maybe it was because at the time I was getting better at tuning into my emotions and feelings, but it felt way more frequent … like regular, cyclical, expected.
This feeling like I am just one tiny disaster away from depression and all the fuck-it’s that I have to throw around and going back to old coping mechanisms of self loathing, self isolating, and being a little curled up gecko turd baking in the sun.
it’s like I’m walking a delicate tight rope of having my shit together on one side and depression on the other and I have to be super fucking vigilant or else I’m going to drop all the balls I’ve been juggling and curl up in bed eating too much and watching too much junk for days that linger into weeks.
Every time I get some sense of stability, something happens that brings me right back.
The “something” feels like a disaster but in reality it’s as innocuous as …
· somebody important to me taking too long to text me back
· having an awkward session with my therapist
· my period coming up
· my period happening
· having my routine changed
· waking up late
it’s just these little things that happen in real life because life is messy and imperfect and organic and I can’t schedule everything or expect it all to happen on time or punctually ….
But in that state, my nervous system needs it all to happen orderly, it wants to be able to anticipate my day so I can know what to expect, how it will show up, and how I need to be to meet it… and when it doesn’t happen that way, I experience inner turbulence.
Anybody else? Or just me?….
I’m trying to learn how to regulate it… that’s what the daily meditation and breathwork is for. It’s practice and training for these moments. Like today, I feel fucking defeated, tired, exhausted and so fucking sad. For no reason.
I have no idea why I feel so like a bump on a log, a stick in the mud, like breathing is difficult enough, let alone trying to move my life along in the direction I want to go.
I have nothing enlightening to say about this, no punchline at the end, no motivational conclusion to tie this all up in one empowering story …
But just to say, this is how it goes for me and maybe I’m not alone in this feeling like I’m just barely staying afloat, barely keeping it together ….
Like I am one tiny disaster away from chaos and defeat.